The Phoenix

Thus all my minions have been dispatched to scour the streets of Sydney in search of my beloved car named Xena. The police patrol cars that are equipped with OCR (decodes all number plates it sees) have downloaded the database update from the RTA and will trigger an alert should they encounter AJX83L.

After five days I receive a letter in the post issuing a fine for a speed camera offence on the Hume Highway about 20kms from my home. Really? My car gets stolen, and then the thieves get caught by a speed camera and then the Roads authority send me an infringement notice?  The phrase 'salt on the wound' comes to mind. I call them back and told them I was no longer in possession of the vehicle since the night it was stolen, I give them the police incident reference number and they send me back a letter saying no infringement. But wait a moment -We may have a photo of those bloody thieves.I log in to the Roads and Maritime Service website to view the picture. It was taken at night, from the back. I can barely make out the baby seat through the rear window. It was Xena being driven fast by criminals. It made me upset and angry. I regret viewing the picture. I'd use the phrase 'lemons squeezed onto the wound'.

After nearly two weeks have passed I received word that a car had been found that looks like my beloved Xena. The brother of my daughter's boyfriend calls in the location and attached mobile phone pictures of the burnt out green WRX. The front number plate didn't match, but the empty gap of the missing rear number plate seemed to show a familiar vertical crack on the rear bumper. My gut was telling me it was Xena, but my mind was holding on to hope that maybe -that barely recognizable charred hulk was NOT my former pride and joy. So I passed the data on to the police by calling the assistance line. A short version of the conversation went thus:

me: can you please get someone to confirm the burnt abandoned vehicle is or isn't my stolen car?
operator: where is the vehicle?
me: Campaspe Avenue, Wiley Park.
operator: is there a house number or a cross street?
me: I'm telling you ALL the information I have, coudln't  you just send someone to drive on the street and find it?
operator: it's a long street and they may drive up and down without spotting it. Is it on a property or in the bush?
me: It should be fairly easy to find a burnt out car parked on the street! How many burnt out green WRXs could there possibly be on Campaspe Avenue? Are you serious? I'm giving you a lead, information to help you find a stolen car and you're not sending anyone because they may not find it?
operator: (pause) Alright sir, we're dispatching a patrol to identify the vehicle. We will be in touch with you whether it is or isn't your car. Thank you.

So apparently the car was attended to by fire and police three nights before when it was alight. They noted down the number plate which happened to also be registered to a green Subaru and recorded it as such. The patrol that returned to identify it after I called checked the VIN (vehicle identification number) on the compliance plate.

Yes.It was Xena.

I notify my insurance company, who send out an assessor to process my claim. He calls me back and declares it is a write-off and that I will receive a call from AAMI to arrange the payout. Meanwhile they're putting Xena on the back of a truck for salvage. Surprisingly I feel better telling everyone that the old warrior princess just had a viking funeral.

The sad news I broadcast to my friends on Facebook, forum and Twitter. And after seeking much sage advice we had narrowed down Xena's replacement as first and foremost a family car. So it was either going to be a Subaru Forester, Outback or Liberty Wagon. I flirted with the idea of a Toyota Prius or even a Liberty GT, but when it came time to shop this is how it went down.

I found the ad on Carsales.com.au for a 2006 Outback, I asked Beatriz to arrange an inspection. We met the owner, we looked at the car, we haggled a bit, we bought the car. My critical side was asking why we didn't look at any other car? Well, we actually had teed up appointments for the rest of the week to inspect other cars. I just didn't see the point of traveling all over Sydney just to be certain that I had the best deal possible when I already knew in my gut that I was looking at it. We cancelled those appointments.

Beatriz tells me she's in love with the car, she thinks it's sex on wheels. After eliminating some contentious names for our new transport, we agreed to christen her Divina Black.

She's stylish and capable and she just rose from the fucking ashes of Xena.