Recognition and Validation

First of all, I want to own up that I have not been active enough trying to make my dream come true. I've been uhh preoccupied, yep, I've been distracted with my dancing.

At first I just thought it would be cool to have a dance partner. Someone with whom to help each other explore and grow as dancers.

I admit I still kinda choke whenever I find myself referring to myself as a dancer. Who me? I'm just a bloke who dances salsa for fun. That excuse doesn't wash anymore, it reeks of false modesty and blows back in my face how cowardly I can be. Calling myself a dancer would mean I have to continuously nurture dance as my art form, my passion. It looks like I have long ago passed the point where dancing was just a mere hobby.

Kathrine set our first goal which was to perform in a dance competition. This would mean we'll choreograph a competition piece and dance it. I've been wanting to try my hand choreography so I said yes before I realised she wanted to do it in the Swango dance style. Oh great, she just picked my two weakest dances, namely Argentine Tango and Swing. Oh and one more thing, we have about three weeks to be ready.

I felt raw fear for the first time in ages. Fear that what I could come up with in three weeks would not be to the standard that I imagine myself to be. Have you ever thought yourself to be good at something, say baking, and then want to have your opinion of how good you are to be validated somehow? You'd want your cake to be judged by a panel of experts and even rank you against your peers so you know how good you are relative to others.

Problem is if you over-estimate your own rank, you may think you are better than most, but what if you are wrong? Getting judged could confirm or dash your ego.

I chose to face my fear. I said yeah sure let's do it, sounds like fun. I had just seen Wicked (the Broadway musical), and one of the inspiring songs was called "Defying Gravity", so I thought, yeah what the heck let's try defying gravity.

We spent the first week picking out and trying moves to match the music. By the second week we had tested the moves in sequence to the music and fixed up the bits that didn't fit, didn't work, or didn't flow. Then we had a week to rehearse the choreography. On top of that we also got the music track edited so it's a digestible two and a half minutes instead of its 7 minute original version. And don't forget picking out the costume.

I didn't realise how many other creative minds have contributed to allow Kathrine and myself to express our art.

There were times in the process of creation that I would lapse into despair because I couldn't do a move or couldn't remember a sequence. I learned to offer my ideas and accept her ideas too. Last night, we performed it for competition.

I felt really good about our execution, we had one minor mistake that we were able to fudge because how do the judges know it wasn't meant to go down that way? We performed as good as I knew we were capable. Having the judges say so would be nice.

We were ranked 7 out of 10. According to the judges, we were only better than 3 other acts on the night. My personal assessment was that I liked only two other routines better than mine so in my mind we were ranked 3rd. Quite a gap between rank 3 and rank 7 don't you think? I was resigned to the fact that our expression of creativity may not be able to tick all the judgement criteria.

The way I understand it now, performing it has given me validation of how good I thought I was. However, we missed out on recognition, by not placing in the rank I thought ourselves to be. Yet I was okay with that, it just means that what we made did not fit the judges criteria. I didn't get outside confirmation but I got inner validation of my ability as a dancer. My ego was intact.

I was so pumped with adrenalin that even after getting home at 3:30AM, I couldn't fall asleep until about 5.

Tonight I made up my mind to compete in the Jack & Jill. That's when the competitors get paired up randomly and freestyle to a couple of random songs, the idea being that one is unlikely to end up with their regular dance partner and so it becomes a true test of lead and follow.

When I was asked to pick a category: Beginners, Intermediate, or Teachers. I chose Beginners. I felt the bitter bile of fear rising again. What if I went into Intermediate and got ranked below others whom I thought I was better than? Then I thought about how much fun it would be to compete with followers who are actually confident enough to play with their musicality? I went back and asked to be moved to the Intermediates.

Just before the competition I decided I was just going to have fun regardless of the outcome. There's an idea, perhaps I should try this after having a few drinks. I did two tequila shots and 3 Coronas before the heats. I was confident. I was downright cocky. I looked at the other leaders around me. I felt certain I was good enough to make it past this heat and into the finals. I danced. I connected with each partner and we danced our little arses off.

While waiting for the finalists to be called, I started feeling the tranquilising effects of alcohol. Uh-oh, methinks I overdid the booze. I dashed to the bar and secured a can of Red Bull. So now I was not only sloshed, I was on a caffeine hype as well. Geez, lucky they don't drug-test dancers. By the time my name was called to the finalist lineup, I was almost doubting my own merits as a dancer. I breathed a sigh of relief and I felt my chest swell because I deserve my place in the finals just as I suspected -er I mean just as I believed.

Then I was partnered with MJ from Melbourne. Of all the dancers, I ended up with the one I hadn't previously danced with, ever. Just great. I told her I liked blues, MJ then confesses that she doesn't like blues. Wonderful. We danced. We played. We smiled a lot, at each other. We just tried to enjoy each other and the music as best we can.

Later we came on stage to accept 2nd place. I was ranked higher than a guy I thought was better than me. As I polish the trophy I thought about what it meant to me: Recognition.

I don't know about you, but for myself, I accept I have an occasional need for validation. Validation is when someone whom we respect (including ourselves) expresses admiration or approval of our work. Recognition is when some body everyone else respects declares the merit of our work.

Validation is satisfying, recognition is valuable, having both together is very fulfilling.

Launching into 2010

So far this year has been busy, very busy. I got home at 8AM on January 1st after partying at a bar with a couple of friends. Man, the city of Sydney at 4AM after the big New Year's Eve extravaganza is one ugly city. The detritus of 1.5 million party-goers including the staggering said party-goers, and the concerted efforts of the City of Sydney and the police to discourage, nay, even prevent people from hanging around the city makes me wonder why one should bother. There are lots of buses to leave the city, but NONE to get in. I had to cab it into the city, and when I got there, the cops were cordoning off Circular Quay and The Rocks. They wouldn't let me walk past their barricade telling me there are no more bars open down there, a blatant lie because I told them my friends were waiting for me in a bar, and I just want to join them. In the end, one of the cops took pity and let me through. Same story when I got to the bar, the bouncers insisted they were already full, even as dozens of patrons were leaving. One of the bouncers took pity and let me in. Pity seems to work for me, should I take umbrage?

The following week I spent working every day with my new dance partner Kathrine. I discovered Kathrine, or should I say Kathrine discovered me, the week before after one social dance at the studio just before her class. Our styles seemed to mesh very well and we simultaneously thought we'd be well matched as partners. We had a chat and the next thing I knew, we would be competing at a dance event in two weeks.

I haven't really competed in dance, primarily because I didn't want to subject myself to the judgement of my peers as to how good I really am with respect to other dancers. This time I just agreed to compete because I feel I need that challenge and I would like to show everyone what I personally believe in terms of creativity in dance.

Kathrine was unconvinced about my idea for her costume which is something I call tango pants which feature a slit from below the knee to allow the leg and the calves to be exposed during certain dance moves. We decided we were going to buy a cheap pair of pants and take the scissors to it just to prove it was a viable option.

It fell to me to do the shopping. So here I am going into ladies clothing shops and checking out racks and racks of pants. My most annoying thought through the whole experience was that I was such a girl! How many real men do you know would be willing to walk into a ladies fashion outlet and inspect pants to see how the fabric hangs and if it would be suitable for modification? Last year I read Twilight and that had a side effect of growing ovaries. I'm still feeling above average estrogen levels especially when I'm in a ladies shop.

Also last week, I got a call from Iain who owns Memories Catering asking me if I was available to work on a function that Sunday. No problem, I said yes even though my birthday party was the Saturday before. It was a buffet lunch for 60 guests. Finally I get to meet Iain. He was a laid back fellow and I love working with him. I got to roast the beef, skin and portion the poached salmon, build a tower of cooked prawns,
make the artichoke, asparagus, and avocado salad (I just realised all the ingredients start with 'a'). I'd love to get more gigs with Iain.

I mentioned my birthday party, I had done a silly thing and invited 130 guests via facebook. No way we could fit 30 people in our tiny apartment, much less 130! I was betting against my own popularity. I figured people who truly liked me would make the effort, 35 of them did, but in staggered arrivals so we still managed to fit in. Whew.

That's it though, I am forty-five years old and I am terrified to think I am this old. However I also am grateful I'm still this young to embark on this great adventure.

For 2010 I am creating for myself the very likely possibility of working as a chef in a restaurant, getting more acting jobs, more travelling, growing as a dancer and writer, and being with a special someone to share it all with.

Sydney Harbour New Year

Finally, after much drama I have got broadband in my new apartment. Hopefully that translates to more blog entries ;-)

Jules from Fleetwing 2 got me a chef gig working on New Year's Eve. So the bad news is, I'm working instead of partying. However, the good news is I'll be right in the middle of the fireworks action.

There are two caterers who service the Fleetwing 2, this is the other one. On the one hand I feel a slight tinge of guilt working for Chris's competition, but on the other hand, I can't afford to turn down chef jobs as long as they don't conflict with any other jobs.

The amazing thing about this job was that the caterer, Iain hired me based solely on Jules' recommendation. He sent his head waitstaff Sam to look after me on this job (Chris sends me Ruth on his functions).

The food was already on the boat by the time I arrived. So I looked at the menu and did an inventory of what I have. Oh dear, Iain actually expects me to make and cook some of the dishes. By comparison, Chris usually has most things pre-cooked and all I had to do was reheat and serve. But hey, I'm a chef, I can do this.

Sam gave me advise on which things to work on first, she said she does the salads first. That was my mistake of the evening, because I was a little late in getting started with the moroccan lamb into the oven we had guests waiting for their starters a little longer than they should have.

To make things worse, Sam started interfering by re-arranging how I had the oven shelves organised. She was insisting that the hottest part of the oven was the top shelf and she wanted to switch it into grill mode instead of bake. Normally she would be right, but I have already worked on this oven and I know that it has the unique quirk where its hottest part is the bottom shelf. I just said yes, and then put it back the way it was after she left the galley. After all, I was the chef!

It all worked out in the end. Yet at the time I am thinking I had blown it because this was sure to get back to Iain. Sometime during the cruise, Trevor, the barman whispered to me that I should be careful about Sam, it seems she has a reputation of being a know-it-all and tries to tell staff how to do their jobs. Hospitality is such a fun industry, everyone's gets a reputation and that gets repeated to others. I wonder what my rep is? Have I worked enough to have earned one?

By 11:45PM all the guests have been fed, the staff are just serving drinks, and I have already put away the buffet and finished washing up and cleaning the galley. I got on to the bow of the boat with my camera and waited for the countdown.

It was 1:30 AM by the time we had disembarked the guests and unloaded the boat's rubbish. I then made my way to the city to meet up with a couple of friends and celebrate the new year.